Up next in 10
Caren Glasser talks with renowned pediatrician and family therapist, Maria Steuer about her new book Breaking Your Loyalty Contract. Pick up a copy of the book here: https://bit.ly/361YBBb
Based in Germany, she specializes in examining the root cause of childhood behavioral patterns. Her mission today is to help parents around the world realize how their own childhood experiences influence their habits, expectations, and belief systems.
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Show More Show Less View Video Transcript
0:01
hello everyone karen glasser here and
0:03
welcome to karen glasser live i welcome
0:06
guests from all across the globe
0:08
who entertain us wow us and excite us
0:11
and today
0:12
is no exception so whether you're here
0:15
live or on replay make sure you say hi
0:17
in the comments today's show is brought
0:20
to you by has mark publishing
0:21
international your number one
0:22
co-publishing company in the world
0:24
who services authors on a global scale
0:27
and today i welcome maria stoya to the
0:30
show
0:30
maria is a renowned pediatrician and
0:33
family therapist based in germany
0:35
she specializes in examining the root
0:37
cause of childhood behavioral patterns
0:40
she's experienced the ups and downs of
0:42
raising three of her own children and as
0:44
a doctor for germany's education system
0:47
she has advised more than
0:48
20 000 parents on childhood behavioral
0:51
issues
0:52
her mission today is to help parents
0:54
around the world realize how their own
0:56
childhood experiences influence
0:58
their habits expectations and belief
1:00
systems
1:01
she also helps parents understand how
1:03
they can unconsciously transmit these
1:05
habits and
1:06
expectations and their beliefs to their
1:09
children so without further ado
1:11
i bring maria into the show how are you
1:14
maria welcome
1:15
i'm wonderful thank you very much karen
1:17
how are you
1:19
i am doing really really well i'm so
1:21
excited to have you on the show
1:23
your book is the topic of it of course
1:26
is just it's a great it's a great topic
1:28
and we're going to jump into that in
1:29
just a second
1:31
i want to thank you you're coming in
1:32
from germany so we are actually
1:34
doing the show in different time zones
1:37
which is always fun especially when the
1:39
time changes in one country and not the
1:42
other
1:42
yeah which is kind of crazy um i i don't
1:46
really get that all the time but
1:47
that's the way it is so today's topic
1:50
is actually the title of your book
1:52
breaking your loyalty
1:54
contract shattering the mirror effect
1:56
between parents
1:57
and children so jumping in how long have
2:00
you been writing
2:01
and when did you decide you wanted to
2:03
write oh i started in
2:05
february when i wanted to go to a
2:08
seminar to
2:09
toronto and i stuck because of the
2:12
corona crisis and the lockdown i mean
2:14
i was there in canada and
2:17
i lived in a small house for two months
2:19
by myself and then i started writing the
2:21
book
2:22
it gave you something to do i guess
2:24
while you were stepping out to struggle
2:27
and and to have something to do yeah oh
2:29
my gosh
2:30
you're a pediatrician and a family
2:32
therapist um
2:34
writing this book was actually a natural
2:36
progression for you russ
2:37
right i mean that it's you took your
2:39
your knowledge your experience and
2:41
that's
2:41
how this book came about yeah i took my
2:43
knowledge from the last 30 years in the
2:46
book and i tried to
2:47
to write it in short and understandable
2:51
sentences and really short
2:55
it's only 66 pages i think so that
2:58
everybody is able to read it
3:00
to the end and not stop after 50
3:03
pages because there are 100 left
3:07
because i really want every parent uh
3:11
to have the possibility to read the
3:13
whole book
3:15
that makes me laugh because i totally
3:17
get that you
3:18
you you've got me because i i tend to
3:20
you know i get too far into a book and
3:22
it's like oh gosh there's another you
3:23
know 100
3:24
200 pages so you're you're a woman after
3:26
my own
3:27
my own uh thoughts here um so
3:30
why did you write this book what was the
3:33
actual inspiration for writing this
3:35
particular book
3:36
uh the inspiration is that uh when i or
3:39
i am a mother
3:40
all right i am a mother of three and
3:44
when
3:44
they were young i had a lot of
3:48
issues when i uh try to follow
3:52
um how to raise a child
3:55
it's like to do this do this do this and
3:58
then it doesn't work with my children or
4:00
with me and my children and then i
4:02
i thought maybe i'm i'm wrong or the
4:05
children are wrong or something like
4:07
this and
4:08
it's uh there is no possibility really
4:11
to raise
4:12
children with how-to comments
4:15
you have to find out why you react like
4:18
you react
4:19
and then you will find your own
4:21
individual way to raise children
4:24
so you want to help parents actually
4:27
realize
4:28
how their own childhood experiences
4:30
influence their habits expectations and
4:32
belief systems why is that so important
4:34
yeah because you know when you maybe
4:36
your experience
4:38
from your childhood is that boys
4:41
are uh difficult to raise then
4:45
you have the expectation to your own boy
4:47
that he will be difficult
4:49
and then your boy you know he feels that
4:53
and he give gives you the good that he
4:55
is complicated and difficult to raise
4:58
and he will not be a smart one because
5:01
your expectation
5:02
from your childhood leads the child to
5:04
be
5:05
as you uh expect him to be
5:08
are you saying that we as parents
5:10
actually um
5:11
are responsible for some of the things
5:14
the negative things that our kids do
5:16
and we don't even know that we're doing
5:17
it yeah i go a step further i say
5:20
a misbehavior of a child is an indicator
5:23
for a parent to investigate their own
5:25
childhood
5:26
and not to just change
5:30
the the how to educate it's
5:34
really to have a look in your own
5:36
childhood and
5:37
why do you think about why
5:41
where your habit came from or you have
5:44
to investigate your childhood and not
5:48
see what's wrong with the child
5:51
it's really your your own experiences is
5:54
the a
5:55
and the o you're saying germany
5:58
so give me an example how would give me
6:02
an example how something from a parent's
6:04
own experiences beliefs actually plays
6:06
in a role in their kids can you give me
6:08
an example
6:10
oh um maybe a a child has a mother
6:14
uh that has a depre or is depressive has
6:16
a depression
6:17
and then the child uh because of her own
6:21
childhood she wasn't allowed
6:23
to have fun and be happy so she
6:27
separated this part of her personality
6:29
and
6:30
wasn't allowed to to express happiness
6:33
and then
6:34
she will not be fun and happy with her
6:37
child
6:38
and then the same thing
6:41
is again there that the child isn't
6:43
allowed to be happy
6:45
and have fun because the mother will not
6:48
do it
6:48
and then you know there happens another
6:50
thing on the subconscious mind
6:52
that now the child feels
6:56
that the child miss a part of the
6:58
personality
7:00
and then uh the child give this
7:04
part of of its personality as a gift to
7:07
the mother because the child
7:09
uh thinks when i give my fun and
7:11
happiness to my mother
7:13
then she will be complete and then she
7:15
will allow me to be
7:17
happy and have fun but the mother will
7:20
not accept that gift
7:22
so nobody no another mother nor the
7:25
child
7:26
do live this part of their personality
7:30
so it's that sounds very frustrating to
7:32
me as a child i'm sure i mean it's like
7:34
they're they're trying and and and yet
7:37
on the other hand the parent is moving
7:39
forward what they brought from their
7:40
child on forward
7:42
um so you titled if you're just tuning
7:45
in everyone we're talking with maria
7:46
about her book
7:48
breaking the loyalty contract what's the
7:50
significance of the title
7:53
yeah as i just uh declared is when you
7:56
break your loyalty contract with your
7:58
parent and you say i'm no longer
8:00
responsible for your herds of your
8:04
childhood
8:05
then you are able to take your part of
8:07
your personality that you gave as a gift
8:10
in your subconscious
8:11
back to you and you can live that part
8:13
of your personality
8:15
and live your whole your whole aspects
8:18
of your personality
8:19
and you talk about shattering the mirror
8:21
effect so what is the mirror effect
8:23
exactly
8:24
the mirror effect is that in this family
8:26
i describe the
8:27
the forbid to be forbidden happy and
8:31
uh to be happy and have fun goes from
8:34
one generation to the next generation
8:36
and
8:36
nobody is happy in in this family i
8:39
described
8:40
and this is mirror mirror mirror
8:43
so i mean obviously you're able to bring
8:45
a lot of your background into this i
8:47
mean or all of your background you're a
8:49
pediatrician you're a therapist so you
8:50
come to this not just as a storyteller
8:53
you come to this as an
8:54
expert in your field you understand
8:57
children your pediatrician
8:58
your therapist you understand how the
9:00
brain works
9:01
that get puts you in a unique position i
9:04
would think
9:05
to be able to approach this topic not
9:08
everyone would be able to approach the
9:09
topic the way you are approaching this
9:11
um what do you hope readers are going to
9:13
take away from this book i mean they're
9:15
going to read it it's short you said
9:17
so they're going to read the book and
9:18
what do you hope they do after they
9:20
finish this book
9:21
yeah the first thing is that they have a
9:24
bigger awareness of about what happens
9:27
and
9:27
that they think about because the most
9:30
things
9:31
you can investigate because you remember
9:33
the feelings
9:34
from your childhood and the next step
9:37
may be
9:39
they ask questions and i will answer all
9:42
the questions
9:43
and help them finding out
9:46
what kind of their experiences from
9:49
their childhood
9:50
are stopping them from living this
9:53
today as an adult and it's really easy
9:56
because
9:57
when you are a parent then you get uh
10:00
the misbehavior of a child as an
10:02
indicator if you are not a
10:04
parent you know you you can withdraw a
10:05
relationship when a relationship brings
10:07
you to the limit
10:08
just close the door and say i will not
10:10
no longer be together with you
10:12
then you are not changing and not
10:14
investigating and the child is
10:17
uh yeah their relationships uh is
10:20
uh last a whole life and then you have
10:24
no possibility uh to withdraw the
10:27
relationship you cannot say
10:28
after three years old i do not like the
10:30
child any longer who
10:32
wants this stride i i take another one
10:34
as you can do it with relationships
10:38
right um
10:41
that's an interesting point um you say
10:44
explore your
10:45
childhood what does it mean to explore
10:47
your childhood is that dig deep do you
10:49
go into psychoanalysis
10:50
what does that mean to explore your
10:52
childhood it means that you figure out
10:55
what feelings or what repetition
10:59
feels familiar familiar to you and
11:03
you can feel if you repeat
11:06
things every day every time or
11:09
every situation and you are not really
11:12
happy and satisfied
11:13
how you react then you can remember
11:16
when was in the first situation when i
11:18
felt like this
11:20
and then step by step you go deeper or
11:23
in
11:24
younger areas of your life
11:27
and then you are able to see
11:30
how you repeat it and uh get an
11:34
idea about what what uh kind of
11:37
personality
11:38
uh you missed with your parents and then
11:41
maybe
11:42
you can you can try to visualize
11:45
how uh parents had been
11:48
uh that were suitable for you and then
11:51
uh
11:52
you it's it's a it's not just
11:55
do it and then uh stop having these
11:58
issues that would be nice right that
12:00
would be really
12:01
just say just just just do it um i know
12:04
that your vision is to create a
12:05
worldwide awareness of the developmental
12:07
essentials
12:08
needs of children so how can we do that
12:11
what does that exactly look like yeah we
12:14
should
12:14
everybody should know what the essential
12:17
needs of children are in the world
12:20
and so
12:23
we should uh cherish mothers and parents
12:27
about the work they do
12:29
and um we should uh you know when
12:31
everyone knows
12:33
what children need then uh
12:36
um there is another awareness and
12:39
we do not uh judge parents about when
12:42
their child
12:43
shows misbehavior and we have uh
12:46
more um knowledge about this i i think
12:49
that
12:50
this would change a lot of things so
12:53
maybe
12:53
if you look at the essential essential
12:55
needs of of a baby
12:57
the baby needs one relationship
13:00
to one person and not changing
13:03
relationships
13:04
they know they really need need a
13:07
one-to-one
13:08
care so this is one point we often
13:11
um do not recognize that this is uh
13:15
really important uh for for a little
13:17
baby
13:18
and and i'm sure that comes into play
13:20
for kids that are are uh in foster care
13:22
or they're
13:23
where they're born to mothers who who
13:25
give them up and
13:26
they don't have that bonding with the
13:28
mother so when you say essential
13:30
you are specifically referring to the
13:33
psyche
13:34
to to the what they need from a a
13:37
psychiatric or
13:38
or psychology way or essential needs
13:40
they need to be fed a certain kind of
13:42
food
13:42
without playing yeah this is these are
13:45
the emotional needs
13:47
not psycho psychotropic or on uh it's a
13:49
we have physical needs and
13:52
and emotional needs and a lot of time
13:55
we uh ignore the emotional needs the
13:58
essential emotional needs you know
14:00
when when you uh uh the child uh that is
14:03
crying has
14:04
a a high level of the stress hormone
14:08
cortisol and you have to calm them down
14:11
they are not able to do this by
14:13
themselves
14:14
to get the stress hormone level
14:17
uh uh increased and this is no decrease
14:20
sorry
14:22
right right and then uh these are things
14:26
you should know that it's not good if
14:28
you uh
14:29
leave the child or the baby by
14:32
themselves and
14:33
uh wait until they stop crying you have
14:36
to go
14:36
and and calm them down it's it's a
14:39
little aspect of
14:40
of what the essential emotional needs
14:42
are
14:44
so let's talk about the process of
14:46
writing um this is your first book right
14:48
you you
14:49
did this in a couple of months you were
14:51
stuck in your your space and you you
14:52
wrote this book was it an enjoyable
14:54
process do you plan on doing it again
14:59
so you want to hear the truth how is the
15:02
truth
15:03
no it's a really hard process and
15:07
to get it done in this short concise way
15:11
and
15:12
break all the stuff down to to earth
15:15
down to understandable words
15:16
and sentences uh i think i would
15:20
uh like to create a workbook for parents
15:23
now
15:24
so they are more able to go through it
15:27
and work on
15:28
it just not only give them ideas and
15:31
then they are alone with their ideas
15:33
i would like to create a workbook and
15:36
and maybe
15:37
uh do something like memberships though
15:40
so they can
15:40
get me live and ask me questions and i
15:44
could um go with them uh part of the way
15:48
to investigate the childhood their child
15:51
so workbook is next not necessarily
15:54
you're writing another book
15:55
at this point you're not you're not
15:57
quite there yet that you want to do
15:59
another book that's what i did but i
16:01
will let you know
16:03
please do and you'll come back on and
16:05
we'll talk about it when you wrote this
16:07
did you
16:07
first write it as an outline and then
16:09
you wrote around the outline or did you
16:11
or just flow a country you just sat down
16:13
and the words just came out you just
16:15
started writing
16:16
no i first wrote down uh the chapters
16:20
and i um the the
16:23
way i found it was the most uh asked
16:26
questions from parents i got
16:29
and uh there were the seven most asked
16:32
questions and i
16:33
uh set them as the chapter lines and
16:35
then uh
16:36
i tried to get uh these
16:40
filled with content and uh you know i
16:43
had a lot
16:44
examples uh to declare how uh um
16:48
or to explain the theory with practical
16:51
uh examples this was then it was very
16:54
easy when i got this yeah
16:55
but the the other different difficult
16:58
thing was to get it in proper english
17:00
so that everyone in english would
17:02
understand it there are a lot of terms
17:04
in german they do not fit with
17:06
english language yeah so
17:09
so this has been published in english as
17:11
well as was it also published in german
17:14
no it's only in english and uh the most
17:18
german people speak english but the most
17:21
english-speaking
17:22
people do not speak german only read
17:23
german so
17:25
i thought yeah but your goal was to get
17:27
this
17:28
to to the an english-speaking world
17:31
so it wherever wherever those
17:33
english-speaking people are
17:35
in the united states in this case that's
17:36
where we're doing the show from
17:38
um is is to do this what is the best
17:41
advice that you can give
17:43
to somebody who has a book inside of
17:45
them and they
17:46
they're thinking you know what now's the
17:48
time to do it i listened to maria talk
17:50
she took advantage of of something that
17:52
was going on in our world
17:54
what is the best advice you can give
17:56
somebody who's decided you know what i
17:58
think i have a book in me how do you
18:00
tell them to start
18:03
just believe in yourself and
18:06
and think that you can do it and
18:09
start you can then correct those things
18:12
because it's a process
18:14
and every day you will get better
18:17
in this process and then uh it's uh
18:20
from day to day it's easier to to write
18:23
your
18:24
your book out from the head on to the
18:27
paper
18:29
so i want to show a copy of the book in
18:31
the uh
18:32
the screen right now it's called
18:34
breaking your loyalty contract
18:36
shattering the mirror effect between
18:38
parents and children
18:39
um a link to the book is sitting in the
18:42
comments right now
18:43
so make sure you go take a look at it
18:45
because we'd love for you to go pick up
18:46
a copy of the book
18:47
we know that this is going to be um
18:50
something that's beneficial i really
18:52
believe
18:53
no matter what age your kids are um you
18:56
know i have older kids i have a 35 and a
18:58
47 year old kid
19:00
children they're not children
19:03
young adults but i am sure that um the
19:06
concepts and the ideas that you have
19:08
mentioned in your book and that you
19:10
write about in your book
19:11
um are going to i'm going to be able to
19:13
relate to um
19:14
as as a parent and might not be able to
19:16
do as much as i could have done it
19:18
when my kids were younger in terms of
19:19
changing my ways
19:21
but um certainly it's something that i
19:23
think all parents
19:24
no matter how old their children are
19:26
would you agree would would benefit from
19:28
this
19:28
yeah although the the children of the
19:31
kids
19:31
are older you know when you when they
19:34
see that you change
19:36
your habit or your paradigm or your
19:39
loyalty contract then you you uh
19:43
function as a role model for them and
19:45
this
19:46
is the this is independent from their
19:48
age
19:49
so they can see it's possible to change
19:51
and then maybe they find their own way
19:54
to get rid of the loyalty contracts they
19:56
have with you and maybe
19:58
you're able to talk about
20:01
with them about what you maybe would
20:04
have done
20:05
in another way if you had known it
20:07
before
20:08
sort of duel as i do not as i say so as
20:11
we as parents as we change and we
20:13
we elevate ourselves and we we think
20:16
back
20:16
in terms of how our past has affected
20:18
who we are today and if we make those
20:20
changes
20:21
it makes perfect sense that no matter
20:24
what age our children are
20:26
if they see that change they might be
20:28
willing to to
20:29
address those changes in themselves for
20:32
those of you i'm sure there's a lot of
20:33
you are wondering how do we stay in
20:34
touch with maria
20:36
we're going to let you know you can go
20:37
to her website mariah.com we can go over
20:42
to
20:43
her publisher has mark publishing
20:44
international they're the sponsor of our
20:46
show today
20:47
i encourage you to check them out they
20:48
are an amazing organization they have
20:50
some awesome writers they're the ones
20:52
who introduce me to you
20:53
maria so i'm thrilled and i thank them
20:55
for that
20:56
and i know that you have a youtube
20:58
channel so we want to encourage people
21:00
to go
21:00
search for you on youtube just by
21:02
putting your name in there into the
21:03
search engine and your channel will show
21:05
up what can they expect to find over on
21:07
your youtube channel
21:08
yeah we are just in a promotion video
21:11
about the book
21:13
and a really great uh
21:16
review from uh the woman who
21:20
edited the book i'm really grateful for
21:22
that
21:23
video and then i start two different
21:26
formats on youtube one is one topic to
21:30
authors
21:31
it's it's uh every week uh i talked to
21:35
another author about
21:36
the book and it's only short four to
21:38
five minutes
21:40
and uh next week i will start uh to
21:44
answer questions i'm i receive
21:48
via email and every second day i take
21:52
one email answer the question
21:54
and uh that's it so if are interested
21:58
it only takes you a few minutes to
22:00
listen to that and
22:01
if you are interested you can send me
22:04
your questions and i will answer this
22:06
on this one that's really great i'm so
22:08
glad you told us that because
22:10
i want people now really i'm going to
22:11
put the uh your channel back up i want
22:13
people to go on over there and listen to
22:15
these
22:15
um and send your questions in that's
22:17
really great what you're doing that's
22:18
that's awesome and i
22:19
really like it also that you're doing
22:21
them short and sweet you really are
22:23
woman after my own heart
22:26
you know i i think that a lot of us make
22:28
the mistake
22:29
of going like so long and and
22:33
we just keep going and going and going
22:35
and people are like going i'm done
22:36
already i'm done
22:37
and so i really appreciate this i
22:39
appreciate that you do them short and
22:41
sweet and i'm going to be absolutely
22:42
checking out
22:44
your youtube channel and all of our
22:45
listeners whether you're here live or on
22:47
viewers
22:48
on viewers on live or on replay if you
22:50
have a question send it in to maria
22:52
she might just answer it on youtube how
22:55
cool would that be on a video that would
22:56
be awesome
22:57
any last-minute thoughts you'd like to
22:59
share with our audience right now
23:00
ah maybe don't uh uh
23:04
be confused because i'm too short in
23:07
answering uh questions you said you are
23:10
short too but
23:11
i uh heard that only germans are
23:15
really shocked
23:19
i do i am very short i'm short and sweet
23:21
if i'm bored i mean i figure everybody
23:23
else must be bored
23:24
so i get that i get that but so i'm
23:27
sorry i didn't mean to interrupt you so
23:29
don't don't you want people not to
23:31
mistake your
23:32
doing short answers for yeah and uh
23:36
so please if you feel misunderstood ask
23:39
again
23:40
i'm i will i will give my best to give
23:43
the best answers
23:44
you can understand you will understand i
23:47
think that's a great
23:48
a great thing to say for anything if you
23:50
don't understand
23:51
ask again yeah if it doesn't make sense
23:53
ask again i think that is that goes in
23:55
line with everything in life
23:57
if you don't understand something ask
23:59
again maria
24:00
thank you for sharing that you heard it
24:02
here first um guys
24:04
we know that you have a choice as to how
24:05
you spend your time you chose to spend
24:07
it with us today
24:08
we are very very grateful for that go
24:10
out and give somebody an awesome day and
24:12
we'll see you next time
24:14
on karen glasser live goodbye everyone
24:17
goodbye